2010: A Space Oddity

The National Archives, this week released more than 6000 UFO sightings reported to the MoD over a period of 6 years.

Examples include, hurried sketches, anxious letters and Parliamentary questions from worried (crazy) witnesses of apparent alien activity.

The latest batch of reports sent in by "overzealous ufologists", refers to a time between 1994-2000, notably, a time when ‘The X-Files’ was at it’s peak.

The fifth instalment of documents is the latest to be released as part of a three year project with the Ministry of Defence which will see them make public the files from the last 10 years by the end of 2011. Isn’t it exciting Robbie Williams!?

Several sightings of the more ‘traditional’ shaped flying saucers were reported alongside flying "Toblerone" aircrafts, “tubes of light” and cases of what the enthusiasts refer to as “close encounters of the second kind”. Basically this refers to the physical effects that remain following sightings.

 

In one case, on 20 March 1997, a man from Birmingham gave an account of a large illuminated object hovering above his garden at 4am. The man claimed the craft shot off and left a “silky-white” substance, he collected this in a jar. Hmmmm... The report comments fail to mention whether the 1997 Dana Scully calendar was found in his garden or not.

A HANDBAG?

Kate Moss, 36 year old supermodel, role model, partygirl and fashionista, has teamed up with luxury label Longchamp to design a range of quality handbags. The collection includes cute party clutches, animal print shoppers and travel luggage made of exquisite soft red and black leather.

Moss teamed up with Longchamp's creative director Sophie Delafontaine to create the handbag range which centres on the popular and modern themes, 'Rock'n'Casual, Rock'n'Travel and Rock'n'Glam.'

Speaking to Vogue about the handbag range, Moss said,  "This one is great for Glastonbury - you can hold two drinks and put it over your shoulder, it's perfect!" Leaving both hands free! One for fags, one to sign a few autographs, maybe?

The first lot of luxury luggage hits boutiques and a few select department stores (Galeries Lafayette in Paris, Selfridges in London) on February 11. With price tags in the region of $990 dollars though im not sure you'll see too many youngsters sporting them at music festivals this year.

This isn't Moss's first foray into fashion design though, her four collections for Topshop have proved a massive hit amongst young people eager to copycat the waif's unique look. However, this is one collection i'm sure the teens of today won't be as keen to invest in! With prices so high purchasing classic timeless handbags seems much more appropriate than frittering away a grand for the sake of carrying two beers at Glastonbury!

If handbags as a social symbol are something you buy into though, then consider the Hermes Birkin or Marc Jacobs Stam. A few elegant classics and a couple of the most valued bags ever to have graced a celebrities arm.

Quite frankly, the garish silver buckles and zebra print accessories cheapen the Longchamp collection leaving them more Liz Mcdonald than Alexander McQueen.

God Bless America!

Jon Basso, owner of the Arizona based Heart Attack Grill (“A Taste Worth Dying For”) is suing fellow medically themed ‘restaurant’, Heart Stoppers Sports Grill, Florida, for pinching its ideas!

The Heart Attack Grill, whose menu features culinary delights such as the single through to quadruple bypass burger (four giant patties!), “flatliner fries” (deep fried in pure lard), and refreshing tooth decaying “Jolt Cola”, is locked in a federal legal battle with rival Heart Stoppers over similarities between the two greasy fast food joints.

Basso’s lawyer, Robert Cane, claims that the "Heart Attack Grill is the originator of the medically-themed hamburger grill” and is said to have found up to 30 ways in which Heart Stoppers is similar, including the alarming offer of free food to fatties over 350 pounds!

Heart Stoppers Grill denies it has ripped off Basso's ideas.

"It is not even related, it is a totally different concept," said its lawyer Eric Lee. "The owner was a rescue worker, he has a medical background, and so what he tried to do is a medically-themed restaurant.

"As far as I know their menu is quiet limited, they serve burgers, fries and alcohol and that's it. Whereas we, as a family restaurant, serve a whole bunch of things, like chicken wings."

I’m not interested in who wins to be totally honest, but I do find it odd that neither macabre establishment has itself been sued up until now.

Bed pan of butter anyone? No? Didn’t think so!

Bad News for Kerry Katona

A branch of Tesco in St Mellon's, Cardiff has a new dress code and if pyjama’s and slippers are a staple to your wardrobe (and you live in Cardiff) then you’re not going to like it.


Tesco has kindly asked some of its lazy shoppers to dress appropriately before coming to the store in case they embarrass other consumers, and rightly so I say! I honestly can’t come up with a reason to explain why anyone would want to buy their groceries whilst PJ clad and bear foot! There are no excuses for this laziness, none! Who in their right mind would go shopping bare foot? A Teletubby, maybe? Fred Flintstone, certainly! But in a modern, civilized society, a sign beseeching such a message should really have no place! The only signs I’d like to see in the entrance of supermarkets are those advertising guitar lessons, fat fighting clubs and taxi numbers.


Mother of two, Elaine Carmody, 24, was left red-faced and furious after being ejected from Tesco a few days ago. Preparing to embark on a £100 shopping spree, Carmody (who owns pj’s featuring “bears and penguins”), left the house suitably dressed in her finest night ware only to be asked to leave once entering her local Tesco supermarket.


Carmody said on the incident, "It's not as if they're going to fall down or anything like that. They should be happy because you're going to spend all that money. So they're going to lose their custom, with people going to other shops to buy stuff and they're allowed in with their pyjamas on.” Watch out Asda! You’re in for an influx of shoppers wearing nothing but fake Ugg’s and flannelette two pieces.

 Now then, I read a few amusing articles about this story, but nothing compared to the response from the disgruntled public. It would appear we are on the cusp of a pyjama revolution if any of these comments are anything to go by...


TESCO'S NEED TO GET OVA THERE SELFS PLEASE YOUR LOWER THN NETTO IT'S ONLY PJS GOD BEHAVE YOUR SELFS AND GET A LIFE PEOPLE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT STUFF TO DO THAN DRESS NICE TO GO TO A SHOP GROW UP GOD THEY HAVE KISD AND EVERYTHING BUT YOU WORK 24 HRS A DAYY LOSERS
Posted 29/01/2010 12:37:09
Posted by katieee1993

 hang on a minute.. what about the girls going in there on a friday night to get their bottle of vodka before they go clubbing? surely earing a belt as a skirt or a pair of tiny little shorts with a tiny little top is more offensive than pj's that cover everything! In the summer there are loads of people walking around in shorts and a vest top but no one complains about that! its rediculous! some people have better things to do than get glammed up for the weekly shop!
Posted 29/01/2010 12:55:06
Posted by kaydo

I have too agree. why cant you be bothered to just put some clothes on!! no wonder divorce is so high if people give up on there appearance and cant be bothered just throwing on some jeans and a t-shirt!! tesco's are not asking for you to do your whole hair and make up!!!
kids are not an excuse to give up on your appearance and the only excuse for wearing pjs in the supermarket is if it is the middle of the night. There are really problems going on in the world! get over it.
Look at the women in the pic, just a typical chav!
Posted 29/01/2010 22:12:20
Posted by Joz


My thoughts EXACTLY! And actually, now I think about it, I’m sure the real reason I’m from a broken home is because my mum never got dressed!


So next time you’re in Tesco and you see Kerry Katona in her tartan nightie and fluffy slippers, make sure you inform the appropriate authorities.

EDL - To the Rescue!?!??

Well. What can be said about these right wing arseholes, really? To begin with I honestly thought Stan Lee had gone mad! The English Defence League? What a crap bunch of superheroes!! Mouths full of bad teeth, grumbling with disbelief at the fact it’s raining AGAIN, asking Dr. Doom to kindly step aside or feel the wrath from one’s umbrella. Bop! But rather than an awesome new super squadron, uniting to fight against the world’s evil doctors and moustache sporting, top hat donning villains, the EDL are a gang of (unemployed??) dismal ‘nationalists’, who won’t shut up about how much they HAAAAATE Islamic extremism “and its effects on British life”. They’ll have you believe they’re “not racist” and that all they want is their meat butchered the good old fashioned ‘English’ way, a knees up down the Legion on St. Georges day and for all the evil, villainous Muslims to bugger off back... ahem, I mean, they just want to put a Nativity on at Christmas time...!

Now I don’t advocate extremism any more than the next person, but come on!! Living in Stoke you behold many a strange sight daily but how many Muslim extremists have you seen chanting outside J.D Weatherspoons in Hanley recently?

So in light of the recent EDL march that took place on Saturday 23rd Jan, S-O-T, I visited the EDL website, purely for ethical exploration mind and I was not in the least bit surprised to find the usual aversions against divulging too much personal information regarding the organisers behind this kind of nauseating group. (Was it something I said moment)? But what I did find was weakly written spiel with no real objectivity which was riddled with contradictions. Making sure to remind us they’re “not racist”, they even encourage “immigrants (who have) just arrived yesterday” to join them, just as long as they HAAAAATE the Jihadist’s as much as they do. Stupid idiots.

Anyway, as I navigated my way around the site I couldn’t resist a peek at this Spring’s new line in their merchandising section. Once there I was greeted by a lovely big pop up that read, “POLOS, BURKAS, BASEBALL CAPS + MORE!”, an expected EDL member’s uniform at first glance, then, Woahwoahwoah. Hold on, Burkas? Intrigued, I followed the link to an ‘eBay shop’ where, to my horror, the EDL had actually incorporated a ‘burka mask’ into the hood of one of their shitty Fruit of the Loom jumpers! Yuck! These fascist monsters really will stop at nothing!! They even had child sized t-shirts! Awww cute! :-) Its always nice to bring the kiddies along to violent protests! :-) Totally clueless.

It’s fair to say that the only mission this division of lunatics managed to succeed in on Saturday, was exposing themselves as total idiots. P*ss off now please EDL, and take your outrageous nonsense elsewhere in future.

Someone get me Stan Lee on the phone, I want to make a complaint.

Pull the other one!

Picture the scene. You're an 83 year old gentleman from Lima, Peru. You've probably taken a tumble off your donkey and landed on a rusty rail, thus rendering one of your legs useless! After a few months of "putting up with it" that leg develops a life threatening ulcer so your daughter takes you to The Alberto Sanogal Hospital where the Doc tells you it has to come off. Ok, I’m getting on a bit and mechanizing a prosthetic at my age will pose some initial difficulty but I’m a healthy bloke so bring it on I say!

So, you start coming around the morning after and you've got that phantom limb feeling, but they warned you about that so you’re not too alarmed, but hold on, WHAT'S THIS!? They've only gone and lopped off the WRONG.ONE. That leg you can 'mysteriously' feel is in fact still there. That plane of duvet was once a mountain of leg. Your leg. Now it’s gone.

"I was shocked when I lifted the sheets and saw they had taken his left leg," the man's daughter, Carmen Villanueva, told Peruvian radio station RPP. Hmmm, REALLY!!? Thankfully, the (ir)responsible doctors who performed the botched operation have since been suspended, whilst the Villanueva family are consulting legal types with a view to sue! Gosh, just think of pimped up wheel chair he could buy if they win!! Totally worth it.

What a Gooseberry!

After 53 years of pain staking green fingery, Bryan Nellist's 62.01g "woodpecker berry" has been awarded the coveted 2010 Guinness World Record award for the world's HEAVIEST gooseberry! (Imagine!)

At long last realizing his lifelong dream and finally kicking the proverbial dirt in the eyes of his rival, Kevin Archer, Nellist said on the victory, "I have been trying for 53 years to grow 'the big one' and it could have been even bigger. I picked it a week before the show because i didn't want it to burst." (Show off).

Apparently there is "nothing more heartbreaking than waking up to discover your gooseberry has burst." I think waking up in the morning to find Kevin Archer pissing on your gooseberry patch again comes in as a close second, however, Bryan was unavailable for comment.

Well done though Bry! :-)