Seasoned Criminal Behavior

Things I can live without, certain condiments. Things I can’t, books. I read this story and was personally offended. It’s as bad as someone spitting Haribo at Adam Ant.

Police in Idaho think they might have solved a yearlong condiment crime spree after 74 year old Joy L. Cassidy was arrested on Sunday after being caught spicing up the Ada County Library books’ drop box.

Police stopped the suspect moments after watching her deposit an open jar of mayo into a box designated for reading materials. Cassidy was released from jail and faces a misdemeanor charge of malicious injury to property, she is also believed to be behind at least 10 other zesty condiment related cases of vandalism that started in May 2009. Since last summer library employees have reported finding books in the drop box covered in corn syrup and tomato sauce. (#sickinmymouthtomatosauceblergh.)

Chuck McLure, police spokesman said that a motive for the alleged vandalism had yet to be determined.

I don’t like Stephenie Meyer either Joy but come on, leave the sauces at home.

Singin in the Rain

I can't put it off any longer. I. Must. Update. Blog.

Wet Weather Woe.

We've just seen the back of another successful British bank holiday. The London Underground practically shut down, train lines all over the country were affected by engineering works and the weather was, as expected, shit. I'm sick of hearing and reading the words 'unsettled'. I had totally forgotten about the weather risk involved during bank holiday weekends and packed my suitcase for London with dresses and sandals. Idiot.

Meanwhile, on Sunday in Bath, 234 glass half full types, grabbed their brollies and stuck two fingers up at the miserable weather and broke the Guinness World Record for most people singing with umbrellas.

"I've got a world record"

"Oooooo, what for?"

"Most people singing with umbrellas."

"Oh."
I’d rather be in Hyde Park shielding my eyes from the blazing sunshine breaking the record for the most amount of time sat on the grass having a nice time. Probably have to do that on a week day, ay weather? Stupid Mother Nature.

You Know What Really Grinds My Gears

I’ve had a dash of the mean reds this week. Please rest assured I’m not about to commence on an explicitly revealing blog detailing my womanly monthlies, I’m merely referring to that mood where everything around you irritates you. First highlighted by Holly Golightly in Truman Capote’s ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’, the mean reds are similar to the blues but are located further down the mood spectrum. Your troubled state of mind causes you to cry at RSPCA adverts and people laughing leaves you fuming, mostly because you can’t muster a smile, let alone indulge in a spot of giggling! In light of my misery (ha!) I’ve written a list of my pet peeves. In no particular order...

3D films, 3D televisions, 3D glasses, Disney 3D, James Cameron.

Being on a cheapo London Midland train and having a smug Virgin woosh past.

 

Any electric guitar whilst I’m dashing around, Underground. I’m a music fan, honestly. I often throw my change at white bearded men with clarinets and old dancing puppets but the amount of screechy Springsteen’s and rubbish Radiohead covers is beginning to make the bus look rather inviting.

Playing Brick Breaker and absorbing a ‘flip’. Omfg.

10 Downing Street. Mess.

Lee Evans and Jimmy Carr. Sorry boys, I’ve tried to like you, I really have. It’s just isn’t happening. That goes for you too Chegger’s and Edmunds.

Kate Thornton. I’m not sorry for disliking you. You seem mean; you’re so insincere and always very abrupt. Perhaps you take a tube to work in the morning and encounter an electric guitar? In which case, you’re excused. Loose Women is an afternoon show though Kate, you really have no reason to be so unhappy. You should have snapped out of the morning mean reds by now. Whilst I’m on the subject though, I want to add all the Loose Women to my inventory of worsts, working alongside Jane Macdonald would make anyone miserable. I think I just don’t like you Kate. I’m not going to try and justify it any longer. I also don’t like Ruth what’s-her-name? Triangle Face, Mrs Ealmon Holmes to be. Well her, massive pointy thing. Also, Gail Platt.

Facebook groups. ANNONYMOUS became a fan of ‘Don't You Just Hate It When Someone Interferes In Your Relationship’ and 36 other profiles. FFS. KMT. WTF. :(

Age, that’s on my list. What an unfortunate thing to bestow upon the youth! Id like not to dwell on this. It's aging me since im frowning so.

People sitting next to me on public transport, I’m not proud of myself about this but it does something to my mood. Like these idiots have come along with the sole intention of purposely making me lose my place in a book and to sit on my coat. Deep down I know this is unfounded but it still gets me. It really does. Sigh.

People who start sentences with, “I’m not racist, but..” Enough said.

I could certainly add to this list but rambling is another thing that I find particularly tiresome (and something I’m frequently guilty of) SO my plan is to just join, become a member of or even create groups on Facebook. That way everyone will know just how Goddamn serious I am.

White Strike

"There is a long-standing anomaly which has meant cider has been under-taxed in comparison to other alcoholic drinks. I intend to correct this. So duty on cider will increase by 10% above inflation from midnight on Sunday." - Alistair Darling, 2010.

 

Apple orchards have been suitably prolific ever since Gordon Brown, as chancellor, cut the duty by 2% in 2002 and for four subsequent budgets it was frozen. Millions of pounds were spent on creating new scrumpy goodness but this week, as expected, Darling announced an end to the good times by increasing the alcohol tax with cider being one of the worst affected.

"This tax is a kick in the teeth, said Jan Gale, manager at the Clifton Tap, which is renowned for its strong ciders, "The new tax is aimed at binge drinkers but it is the regular, sensible drinkers who are going to be affected most.”

Henry Chevallier, chair of the UK's National Association of Cider Makers, said a pint could cost up to 10p more when the duty increases by 10% above inflation on Sunday. Chevallier said today: "This dramatic increase could well reverse the growth we have generated in recent years.”

There is a real sense of unease brewing in the West Country at the moment, with the usually placid cider crowd threatening to mount their combine harvesters and tractors and travel to London to give Alistair ‘Eyebrows’ Darling a piece of their minds.

Some warned the Government to heed the lessons of the past, pointing out that a cider tax in 1763 led to riots and the consequent resignation of the Prime Minister. Clearly the conservatives remember this and so ‘Man of the people’, David Cameron, took to the pubs of Devon last night to enjoy a few pints of cheap cider before the levy on Sunday. Mr Cameron said: "Taxing all cider so heavily is wrong. They don't understand the West Country, they don't understand this part of our country. The duty is highly unlikely to boost Labour’s election prospects in south-west England.

Frank Naish, 86, one of the oldest cider makers in the world warned, “The last time they tried to sting us with a cider tax, there were effigies burnt in the street. I wouldn't be surprised if the same thing happened again, such is the strength of feeling round here."

The tax hike also caused stereotypically West Country posse, The Wurzels, to state: "We are all very upset that scrumpy cider, being one of the few pleasures that we cherish down here on the farm … is being hit by such a tax rise. We all realise that we have to tighten the string on our trousers but we feel we are being unfairly penalised."

Facebook members are rapidly churning out groups to support the plight of the cider drinker with one called: “LEAVE OUR CIDER ALONE!” Within minutes of the Chancellor’s announcement the group appeared and has so far attracted 13,343 members. However, unfortunately for The Wurzels, the campaign to get “I am a Cider Drinker” to number one by Sunday so far contains only 346 members.

My Boy Lollypop

Those that know me will be somewhat conscious of my pic ‘n’ mix dependence and compulsion for all things sweet and sugary. To me, the following story is a total fantasy, one that has often transpired in my sherbet, sugar hazy dreams, it’s left me feeling unusually attracted to vending machines and jealous of a two year old...

After the allure of hundreds of colorful lollypops, a greedy toddler crawled through the “tiny” slot of a sweetie dispenser and settled himself amongst a mountain of treats in a busy family restaurant in western Australia.

Cohen Stone, 2, was eyeing up the claw grabbing vending machine when his mother turned her back for just a few moments. Apparently, it only took a few seconds for the audacious tot to execute his transition from toddler to Indiana Jones and crawl inside.

"He was there one minute, inside it the next, like a magician's trick," said his mother Kyra, 24, who said that the hole he crawled through was tiny.

She said: "I have no idea how he did it. That's when I started to panic. I didn't know how I was going to get him out."

Customers and workers alike, including the nosey chef, all gathered around to stare at the spectacle. Eventually the wife of the owner was called to bring the keys to the enticing sweet machine only to find, upon arrival, that none of the keys fit the lock.

Luckily, a quick thinking customer telephoned a locksmith; however, he arrived on the scene without the appropriate tools! After a quick dash back to his workshop though, the locksmith returned to the restaurant with the bits and bobs he’d need to liberate the child and the rescue was a complete success.

Worried parents of fat children were left relieved upon learning that the menacing machine has since been removed from the premises.

My Humps

28,000 blonde, leggy hopefulls travelled to a remote western region of the United Arab Emirates earlier this month, to take part in a 10 day festival which saw them compete against each other in no less than 48 titles, prizes for the lucky winners included luxury cars and prize money totalling $10m.

However, this was no ordinary ‘Little-Miss-Dress-Up-Nonsense’ pageant, where girls are paraded, fake tanned and done up to the eyeballs in order to win some futile sash thing and giant sparkly crown. Nope! This was the UAE’s annual Camel Beauty Pageant!

The festival sees camels of all ages and types judged on different criteria, depending on the breed. The body is divided into five sections, with 20 points each, to mark beauty and elegance.

The scoring system is as follows...

Head and neck - 25 points awarded for large head, firm ears, long whiskers, shapely nose and lips, long neck

Upper body - 20 points awarded for large, shapely hump

Front - 15 points awarded for wide neck, strong shoulders, good feet

Rear - 10 points awarded for straight, strong legs

General appearance - 30 points awarded for shiny hair, overall health and fitness, space between toes

Unfortunately there isn't a section devoted to 'talent' or 'wow wear'.

After the prettiest camels are selected (yes, really!) their owners are brought before the panel to swear on purity of lineage and proprietorship.

“I swear that this camel is not a hybrid!”

Next comes the auction, the Gulf Arabs gather to place their bids with some camels expected to make as much as 16 million dirhams or $4m!

The contest is more than just money though, whilst being number one brings prestige and status, (and sometimes 4x4’s) it is also important to preserve the heritage of the Gulf and to also encourage cultural tourism. It's also a good excuse to droole over some sexy camels!

2010: A Space Oddity

The National Archives, this week released more than 6000 UFO sightings reported to the MoD over a period of 6 years.

Examples include, hurried sketches, anxious letters and Parliamentary questions from worried (crazy) witnesses of apparent alien activity.

The latest batch of reports sent in by "overzealous ufologists", refers to a time between 1994-2000, notably, a time when ‘The X-Files’ was at it’s peak.

The fifth instalment of documents is the latest to be released as part of a three year project with the Ministry of Defence which will see them make public the files from the last 10 years by the end of 2011. Isn’t it exciting Robbie Williams!?

Several sightings of the more ‘traditional’ shaped flying saucers were reported alongside flying "Toblerone" aircrafts, “tubes of light” and cases of what the enthusiasts refer to as “close encounters of the second kind”. Basically this refers to the physical effects that remain following sightings.

 

In one case, on 20 March 1997, a man from Birmingham gave an account of a large illuminated object hovering above his garden at 4am. The man claimed the craft shot off and left a “silky-white” substance, he collected this in a jar. Hmmmm... The report comments fail to mention whether the 1997 Dana Scully calendar was found in his garden or not.

A HANDBAG?

Kate Moss, 36 year old supermodel, role model, partygirl and fashionista, has teamed up with luxury label Longchamp to design a range of quality handbags. The collection includes cute party clutches, animal print shoppers and travel luggage made of exquisite soft red and black leather.

Moss teamed up with Longchamp's creative director Sophie Delafontaine to create the handbag range which centres on the popular and modern themes, 'Rock'n'Casual, Rock'n'Travel and Rock'n'Glam.'

Speaking to Vogue about the handbag range, Moss said,  "This one is great for Glastonbury - you can hold two drinks and put it over your shoulder, it's perfect!" Leaving both hands free! One for fags, one to sign a few autographs, maybe?

The first lot of luxury luggage hits boutiques and a few select department stores (Galeries Lafayette in Paris, Selfridges in London) on February 11. With price tags in the region of $990 dollars though im not sure you'll see too many youngsters sporting them at music festivals this year.

This isn't Moss's first foray into fashion design though, her four collections for Topshop have proved a massive hit amongst young people eager to copycat the waif's unique look. However, this is one collection i'm sure the teens of today won't be as keen to invest in! With prices so high purchasing classic timeless handbags seems much more appropriate than frittering away a grand for the sake of carrying two beers at Glastonbury!

If handbags as a social symbol are something you buy into though, then consider the Hermes Birkin or Marc Jacobs Stam. A few elegant classics and a couple of the most valued bags ever to have graced a celebrities arm.

Quite frankly, the garish silver buckles and zebra print accessories cheapen the Longchamp collection leaving them more Liz Mcdonald than Alexander McQueen.

God Bless America!

Jon Basso, owner of the Arizona based Heart Attack Grill (“A Taste Worth Dying For”) is suing fellow medically themed ‘restaurant’, Heart Stoppers Sports Grill, Florida, for pinching its ideas!

The Heart Attack Grill, whose menu features culinary delights such as the single through to quadruple bypass burger (four giant patties!), “flatliner fries” (deep fried in pure lard), and refreshing tooth decaying “Jolt Cola”, is locked in a federal legal battle with rival Heart Stoppers over similarities between the two greasy fast food joints.

Basso’s lawyer, Robert Cane, claims that the "Heart Attack Grill is the originator of the medically-themed hamburger grill” and is said to have found up to 30 ways in which Heart Stoppers is similar, including the alarming offer of free food to fatties over 350 pounds!

Heart Stoppers Grill denies it has ripped off Basso's ideas.

"It is not even related, it is a totally different concept," said its lawyer Eric Lee. "The owner was a rescue worker, he has a medical background, and so what he tried to do is a medically-themed restaurant.

"As far as I know their menu is quiet limited, they serve burgers, fries and alcohol and that's it. Whereas we, as a family restaurant, serve a whole bunch of things, like chicken wings."

I’m not interested in who wins to be totally honest, but I do find it odd that neither macabre establishment has itself been sued up until now.

Bed pan of butter anyone? No? Didn’t think so!

Bad News for Kerry Katona

A branch of Tesco in St Mellon's, Cardiff has a new dress code and if pyjama’s and slippers are a staple to your wardrobe (and you live in Cardiff) then you’re not going to like it.


Tesco has kindly asked some of its lazy shoppers to dress appropriately before coming to the store in case they embarrass other consumers, and rightly so I say! I honestly can’t come up with a reason to explain why anyone would want to buy their groceries whilst PJ clad and bear foot! There are no excuses for this laziness, none! Who in their right mind would go shopping bare foot? A Teletubby, maybe? Fred Flintstone, certainly! But in a modern, civilized society, a sign beseeching such a message should really have no place! The only signs I’d like to see in the entrance of supermarkets are those advertising guitar lessons, fat fighting clubs and taxi numbers.


Mother of two, Elaine Carmody, 24, was left red-faced and furious after being ejected from Tesco a few days ago. Preparing to embark on a £100 shopping spree, Carmody (who owns pj’s featuring “bears and penguins”), left the house suitably dressed in her finest night ware only to be asked to leave once entering her local Tesco supermarket.


Carmody said on the incident, "It's not as if they're going to fall down or anything like that. They should be happy because you're going to spend all that money. So they're going to lose their custom, with people going to other shops to buy stuff and they're allowed in with their pyjamas on.” Watch out Asda! You’re in for an influx of shoppers wearing nothing but fake Ugg’s and flannelette two pieces.

 Now then, I read a few amusing articles about this story, but nothing compared to the response from the disgruntled public. It would appear we are on the cusp of a pyjama revolution if any of these comments are anything to go by...


TESCO'S NEED TO GET OVA THERE SELFS PLEASE YOUR LOWER THN NETTO IT'S ONLY PJS GOD BEHAVE YOUR SELFS AND GET A LIFE PEOPLE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT STUFF TO DO THAN DRESS NICE TO GO TO A SHOP GROW UP GOD THEY HAVE KISD AND EVERYTHING BUT YOU WORK 24 HRS A DAYY LOSERS
Posted 29/01/2010 12:37:09
Posted by katieee1993

 hang on a minute.. what about the girls going in there on a friday night to get their bottle of vodka before they go clubbing? surely earing a belt as a skirt or a pair of tiny little shorts with a tiny little top is more offensive than pj's that cover everything! In the summer there are loads of people walking around in shorts and a vest top but no one complains about that! its rediculous! some people have better things to do than get glammed up for the weekly shop!
Posted 29/01/2010 12:55:06
Posted by kaydo

I have too agree. why cant you be bothered to just put some clothes on!! no wonder divorce is so high if people give up on there appearance and cant be bothered just throwing on some jeans and a t-shirt!! tesco's are not asking for you to do your whole hair and make up!!!
kids are not an excuse to give up on your appearance and the only excuse for wearing pjs in the supermarket is if it is the middle of the night. There are really problems going on in the world! get over it.
Look at the women in the pic, just a typical chav!
Posted 29/01/2010 22:12:20
Posted by Joz


My thoughts EXACTLY! And actually, now I think about it, I’m sure the real reason I’m from a broken home is because my mum never got dressed!


So next time you’re in Tesco and you see Kerry Katona in her tartan nightie and fluffy slippers, make sure you inform the appropriate authorities.

EDL - To the Rescue!?!??

Well. What can be said about these right wing arseholes, really? To begin with I honestly thought Stan Lee had gone mad! The English Defence League? What a crap bunch of superheroes!! Mouths full of bad teeth, grumbling with disbelief at the fact it’s raining AGAIN, asking Dr. Doom to kindly step aside or feel the wrath from one’s umbrella. Bop! But rather than an awesome new super squadron, uniting to fight against the world’s evil doctors and moustache sporting, top hat donning villains, the EDL are a gang of (unemployed??) dismal ‘nationalists’, who won’t shut up about how much they HAAAAATE Islamic extremism “and its effects on British life”. They’ll have you believe they’re “not racist” and that all they want is their meat butchered the good old fashioned ‘English’ way, a knees up down the Legion on St. Georges day and for all the evil, villainous Muslims to bugger off back... ahem, I mean, they just want to put a Nativity on at Christmas time...!

Now I don’t advocate extremism any more than the next person, but come on!! Living in Stoke you behold many a strange sight daily but how many Muslim extremists have you seen chanting outside J.D Weatherspoons in Hanley recently?

So in light of the recent EDL march that took place on Saturday 23rd Jan, S-O-T, I visited the EDL website, purely for ethical exploration mind and I was not in the least bit surprised to find the usual aversions against divulging too much personal information regarding the organisers behind this kind of nauseating group. (Was it something I said moment)? But what I did find was weakly written spiel with no real objectivity which was riddled with contradictions. Making sure to remind us they’re “not racist”, they even encourage “immigrants (who have) just arrived yesterday” to join them, just as long as they HAAAAATE the Jihadist’s as much as they do. Stupid idiots.

Anyway, as I navigated my way around the site I couldn’t resist a peek at this Spring’s new line in their merchandising section. Once there I was greeted by a lovely big pop up that read, “POLOS, BURKAS, BASEBALL CAPS + MORE!”, an expected EDL member’s uniform at first glance, then, Woahwoahwoah. Hold on, Burkas? Intrigued, I followed the link to an ‘eBay shop’ where, to my horror, the EDL had actually incorporated a ‘burka mask’ into the hood of one of their shitty Fruit of the Loom jumpers! Yuck! These fascist monsters really will stop at nothing!! They even had child sized t-shirts! Awww cute! :-) Its always nice to bring the kiddies along to violent protests! :-) Totally clueless.

It’s fair to say that the only mission this division of lunatics managed to succeed in on Saturday, was exposing themselves as total idiots. P*ss off now please EDL, and take your outrageous nonsense elsewhere in future.

Someone get me Stan Lee on the phone, I want to make a complaint.

Pull the other one!

Picture the scene. You're an 83 year old gentleman from Lima, Peru. You've probably taken a tumble off your donkey and landed on a rusty rail, thus rendering one of your legs useless! After a few months of "putting up with it" that leg develops a life threatening ulcer so your daughter takes you to The Alberto Sanogal Hospital where the Doc tells you it has to come off. Ok, I’m getting on a bit and mechanizing a prosthetic at my age will pose some initial difficulty but I’m a healthy bloke so bring it on I say!

So, you start coming around the morning after and you've got that phantom limb feeling, but they warned you about that so you’re not too alarmed, but hold on, WHAT'S THIS!? They've only gone and lopped off the WRONG.ONE. That leg you can 'mysteriously' feel is in fact still there. That plane of duvet was once a mountain of leg. Your leg. Now it’s gone.

"I was shocked when I lifted the sheets and saw they had taken his left leg," the man's daughter, Carmen Villanueva, told Peruvian radio station RPP. Hmmm, REALLY!!? Thankfully, the (ir)responsible doctors who performed the botched operation have since been suspended, whilst the Villanueva family are consulting legal types with a view to sue! Gosh, just think of pimped up wheel chair he could buy if they win!! Totally worth it.

What a Gooseberry!

After 53 years of pain staking green fingery, Bryan Nellist's 62.01g "woodpecker berry" has been awarded the coveted 2010 Guinness World Record award for the world's HEAVIEST gooseberry! (Imagine!)

At long last realizing his lifelong dream and finally kicking the proverbial dirt in the eyes of his rival, Kevin Archer, Nellist said on the victory, "I have been trying for 53 years to grow 'the big one' and it could have been even bigger. I picked it a week before the show because i didn't want it to burst." (Show off).

Apparently there is "nothing more heartbreaking than waking up to discover your gooseberry has burst." I think waking up in the morning to find Kevin Archer pissing on your gooseberry patch again comes in as a close second, however, Bryan was unavailable for comment.

Well done though Bry! :-)