Friday, 26 March 2010

White Strike

"There is a long-standing anomaly which has meant cider has been under-taxed in comparison to other alcoholic drinks. I intend to correct this. So duty on cider will increase by 10% above inflation from midnight on Sunday." - Alistair Darling, 2010.

 

Apple orchards have been suitably prolific ever since Gordon Brown, as chancellor, cut the duty by 2% in 2002 and for four subsequent budgets it was frozen. Millions of pounds were spent on creating new scrumpy goodness but this week, as expected, Darling announced an end to the good times by increasing the alcohol tax with cider being one of the worst affected.

"This tax is a kick in the teeth, said Jan Gale, manager at the Clifton Tap, which is renowned for its strong ciders, "The new tax is aimed at binge drinkers but it is the regular, sensible drinkers who are going to be affected most.”

Henry Chevallier, chair of the UK's National Association of Cider Makers, said a pint could cost up to 10p more when the duty increases by 10% above inflation on Sunday. Chevallier said today: "This dramatic increase could well reverse the growth we have generated in recent years.”

There is a real sense of unease brewing in the West Country at the moment, with the usually placid cider crowd threatening to mount their combine harvesters and tractors and travel to London to give Alistair ‘Eyebrows’ Darling a piece of their minds.

Some warned the Government to heed the lessons of the past, pointing out that a cider tax in 1763 led to riots and the consequent resignation of the Prime Minister. Clearly the conservatives remember this and so ‘Man of the people’, David Cameron, took to the pubs of Devon last night to enjoy a few pints of cheap cider before the levy on Sunday. Mr Cameron said: "Taxing all cider so heavily is wrong. They don't understand the West Country, they don't understand this part of our country. The duty is highly unlikely to boost Labour’s election prospects in south-west England.
Frank Naish, 86, one of the oldest cider makers in the world warned, “The last time they tried to sting us with a cider tax, there were effigies burnt in the street. I wouldn't be surprised if the same thing happened again, such is the strength of feeling round here."

The tax hike also caused stereotypically West Country posse, The Wurzels, to state: "We are all very upset that scrumpy cider, being one of the few pleasures that we cherish down here on the farm … is being hit by such a tax rise. We all realise that we have to tighten the string on our trousers but we feel we are being unfairly penalised."

Facebook members are rapidly churning out groups to support the plight of the cider drinker with one called: “LEAVE OUR CIDER ALONE!” Within minutes of the Chancellor’s announcement the group appeared and has so far attracted 13,343 members. However, unfortunately for The Wurzels, the campaign to get “I am a Cider Drinker” to number one by Sunday so far contains only 346 members.

Monday, 15 March 2010

My Boy Lollypop

Those that know me will be somewhat conscious of my pic ‘n’ mix dependence and compulsion for all things sweet and sugary. To me, the following story is a total fantasy, one that has often transpired in my sherbet, sugar hazy dreams, it’s left me feeling unusually attracted to vending machines and jealous of a two year old...

After the allure of hundreds of colorful lollypops, a greedy toddler crawled through the “tiny” slot of a sweetie dispenser and settled himself amongst a mountain of treats in a busy family restaurant in western Australia.

Cohen Stone, 2, was eyeing up the claw grabbing vending machine when his mother turned her back for just a few moments. Apparently, it only took a few seconds for the audacious tot to execute his transition from toddler to Indiana Jones and crawl inside.

"He was there one minute, inside it the next, like a magician's trick," said his mother Kyra, 24, who said that the hole he crawled through was tiny.

She said: "I have no idea how he did it. That's when I started to panic. I didn't know how I was going to get him out."

Customers and workers alike, including the nosey chef, all gathered around to stare at the spectacle. Eventually the wife of the owner was called to bring the keys to the enticing sweet machine only to find, upon arrival, that none of the keys fit the lock.

Luckily, a quick thinking customer telephoned a locksmith; however, he arrived on the scene without the appropriate tools! After a quick dash back to his workshop though, the locksmith returned to the restaurant with the bits and bobs he’d need to liberate the child and the rescue was a complete success.

Worried parents of fat children were left relieved upon learning that the menacing machine has since been removed from the premises.

Monday, 1 March 2010

My Humps

28,000 blonde, leggy hopefulls travelled to a remote western region of the United Arab Emirates earlier this month, to take part in a 10 day festival which saw them compete against each other in no less than 48 titles, prizes for the lucky winners included luxury cars and prize money totalling $10m.

However, this was no ordinary ‘Little-Miss-Dress-Up-Nonsense’ pageant, where girls are paraded, fake tanned and done up to the eyeballs in order to win some futile sash thing and giant sparkly crown. Nope! This was the UAE’s annual Camel Beauty Pageant!

The festival sees camels of all ages and types judged on different criteria, depending on the breed. The body is divided into five sections, with 20 points each, to mark beauty and elegance.

The scoring system is as follows...

Head and neck - 25 points awarded for large head, firm ears, long whiskers, shapely nose and lips, long neck

Upper body - 20 points awarded for large, shapely hump

Front - 15 points awarded for wide neck, strong shoulders, good feet

Rear - 10 points awarded for straight, strong legs

General appearance - 30 points awarded for shiny hair, overall health and fitness, space between toes


Unfortunately there isn't a section devoted to 'talent' or 'wow wear'.

After the prettiest camels are selected (yes, really!) their owners are brought before the panel to swear on purity of lineage and proprietorship.

“I swear that this camel is not a hybrid!”

Next comes the auction, the Gulf Arabs gather to place their bids with some camels expected to make as much as 16 million dirhams or $4m!

The contest is more than just money though, whilst being number one brings prestige and status, (and sometimes 4x4’s) it is also important to preserve the heritage of the Gulf and to also encourage cultural tourism. It's also a good excuse to droole over some sexy camels!

Friday, 19 February 2010

2010: A Space Oddity


The National Archives, this week released more than 6000 UFO sightings reported to the MoD over a period of 6 years.

Examples include, hurried sketches, anxious letters and Parliamentary questions from worried (crazy) witnesses of apparent alien activity.
The latest batch of reports sent in by "overzealous ufologists", refers to a time between 1994-2000, notably, a time when ‘The X-Files’ was at it’s peak.

The fifth instalment of documents is the latest to be released as part of a three year project with the Ministry of Defence which will see them make public the files from the last 10 years by the end of 2011. Isn’t it exciting Robbie Williams!?

Several sightings of the more ‘traditional’ shaped flying saucers were reported alongside flying "Toblerone" aircrafts, “tubes of light” and cases of what the enthusiasts refer to as “close encounters of the second kind”. Basically this refers to the physical effects that remain following sightings.

 

In one case, on 20 March 1997, a man from Birmingham gave an account of a large illuminated object hovering above his garden at 4am. The man claimed the craft shot off and left a “silky-white” substance, he collected this in a jar. Hmmmm... The report comments fail to mention whether the 1997 Dana Scully calendar was found in his garden or not.

Friday, 12 February 2010

A HANDBAG?

Kate Moss, 36 year old supermodel, role model, partygirl and fashionista, has teamed up with luxury label Longchamp to design a range of quality handbags. The collection includes cute party clutches, animal print shoppers and travel luggage made of exquisite soft red and black leather.


Moss teamed up with Longchamp's creative director Sophie Delafontaine to create the handbag range which centres on the popular and modern themes, 'Rock'n'Casual, Rock'n'Travel and Rock'n'Glam.'
Speaking to Vogue about the handbag range, Moss said,  "This one is great for Glastonbury - you can hold two drinks and put it over your shoulder, it's perfect!" Leaving both hands free! One for fags, one to sign a few autographs, maybe?

The first lot of luxury luggage hits boutiques and a few select department stores (Galeries Lafayette in Paris, Selfridges in London) on February 11. With price tags in the region of $990 dollars though im not sure you'll see too many youngsters sporting them at music festivals this year.

This isn't Moss's first foray into fashion design though, her four collections for Topshop have proved a massive hit amongst young people eager to copycat the waif's unique look. However, this is one collection i'm sure the teens of today won't be as keen to invest in! With prices so high purchasing classic timeless handbags seems much more appropriate than frittering away a grand for the sake of carrying two beers at Glastonbury!

If handbags as a social symbol are something you buy into though, then consider the Hermes Birkin or Marc Jacobs Stam. A few elegant classics and a couple of the most valued bags ever to have graced a celebrities arm.

Quite frankly, the garish silver buckles and zebra print accessories cheapen the Longchamp collection leaving them more Liz Mcdonald than Alexander McQueen.

Friday, 5 February 2010

God Bless America!

Jon Basso, owner of the Arizona based Heart Attack Grill (“A Taste Worth Dying For”) is suing fellow medically themed ‘restaurant’, Heart Stoppers Sports Grill, Florida, for pinching its ideas!

The Heart Attack Grill, whose menu features culinary delights such as the single through to quadruple bypass burger (four giant patties!), “flatliner fries” (deep fried in pure lard), and refreshing tooth decaying “Jolt Cola”, is locked in a federal legal battle with rival Heart Stoppers over similarities between the two greasy fast food joints.

Basso’s lawyer, Robert Cane, claims that the "Heart Attack Grill is the originator of the medically-themed hamburger grill” and is said to have found up to 30 ways in which Heart Stoppers is similar, including the alarming offer of free food to fatties over 350 pounds!

Heart Stoppers Grill denies it has ripped off Basso's ideas.

"It is not even related, it is a totally different concept," said its lawyer Eric Lee. "The owner was a rescue worker, he has a medical background, and so what he tried to do is a medically-themed restaurant.

"As far as I know their menu is quiet limited, they serve burgers, fries and alcohol and that's it. Whereas we, as a family restaurant, serve a whole bunch of things, like chicken wings."

I’m not interested in who wins to be totally honest, but I do find it odd that neither macabre establishment has itself been sued up until now.

Bed pan of butter anyone? No? Didn’t think so!

Monday, 1 February 2010

Bad News for Kerry Katona

A branch of Tesco in St Mellon's, Cardiff has a new dress code and if pyjama’s and slippers are a staple to your wardrobe (and you live in Cardiff) then you’re not going to like it.


Tesco has kindly asked some of its lazy shoppers to dress appropriately before coming to the store in case they embarrass other consumers, and rightly so I say! I honestly can’t come up with a reason to explain why anyone would want to buy their groceries whilst PJ clad and bear foot! There are no excuses for this laziness, none! Who in their right mind would go shopping bare foot? A Teletubby, maybe? Fred Flintstone, certainly! But in a modern, civilized society, a sign beseeching such a message should really have no place! The only signs I’d like to see in the entrance of supermarkets are those advertising guitar lessons, fat fighting clubs and taxi numbers.


Mother of two, Elaine Carmody, 24, was left red-faced and furious after being ejected from Tesco a few days ago. Preparing to embark on a £100 shopping spree, Carmody (who owns pj’s featuring “bears and penguins”), left the house suitably dressed in her finest night ware only to be asked to leave once entering her local Tesco supermarket.


Carmody said on the incident, "It's not as if they're going to fall down or anything like that. They should be happy because you're going to spend all that money. So they're going to lose their custom, with people going to other shops to buy stuff and they're allowed in with their pyjamas on.” Watch out Asda! You’re in for an influx of shoppers wearing nothing but fake Ugg’s and flannelette two pieces.

 
Now then, I read a few amusing articles about this story, but nothing compared to the response from the disgruntled public. It would appear we are on the cusp of a pyjama revolution if any of these comments are anything to go by...


TESCO'S NEED TO GET OVA THERE SELFS PLEASE YOUR LOWER THN NETTO IT'S ONLY PJS GOD BEHAVE YOUR SELFS AND GET A LIFE PEOPLE HAVE MORE IMPORTANT STUFF TO DO THAN DRESS NICE TO GO TO A SHOP GROW UP GOD THEY HAVE KISD AND EVERYTHING BUT YOU WORK 24 HRS A DAYY LOSERS
Posted 29/01/2010 12:37:09
Posted by katieee1993

 
hang on a minute.. what about the girls going in there on a friday night to get their bottle of vodka before they go clubbing? surely earing a belt as a skirt or a pair of tiny little shorts with a tiny little top is more offensive than pj's that cover everything! In the summer there are loads of people walking around in shorts and a vest top but no one complains about that! its rediculous! some people have better things to do than get glammed up for the weekly shop!
Posted 29/01/2010 12:55:06
Posted by kaydo

I have too agree. why cant you be bothered to just put some clothes on!! no wonder divorce is so high if people give up on there appearance and cant be bothered just throwing on some jeans and a t-shirt!! tesco's are not asking for you to do your whole hair and make up!!!
kids are not an excuse to give up on your appearance and the only excuse for wearing pjs in the supermarket is if it is the middle of the night. There are really problems going on in the world! get over it.
Look at the women in the pic, just a typical chav!
Posted 29/01/2010 22:12:20
Posted by Joz


My thoughts EXACTLY! And actually, now I think about it, I’m sure the real reason I’m from a broken home is because my mum never got dressed!


So next time you’re in Tesco and you see Kerry Katona in her tartan nightie and fluffy slippers, make sure you inform the appropriate authorities.